“One day I will find the right words, and they will be simple.”
-Jack Kerouac, The Dharma Bums
I guess I’ve always kind of strived to reach someone with my words. Sometimes, I will spend the entire night, or hours throughout the day were trying to perfect the simplest thought and feeling putting my heart and soul attempting to express it to someone. I won’t send it unless I think it covers everything I’m experiencing at that moment. I believe words mean nothing if you don’t express your passion behind them.
Sadly, the outcome of trying to pour out every emotion in me has never purely felt received by the other person.
I don’t feel like I’m being heard, and for me that’s hard to accept when I feel like my words are the best of me I can give. I’m sure more people think “actions speak louder than words”, but I think that saying would change if people stopped taking words for granted by just throwing them around like they mean nothing.
People are completely careless with their words.
For whatever the reason may regarding the situation I’m in trying to express my emotions for, may it be to fix a problem, how much I care about something or that particular person, or my personal hurt for some reason it’s never changed the outcome. It’s even made it worse.
Could it be my fault?
Maybe. Probably. Who knows?
When I look down at the screen of my phone or computer, and even my notebook I start thinking of each perspective I need to cover, and trying to offer suggestions of the good that can come from that situation. I want to make sure that person is feeling something positive from my message. I don’t ever want something I wrote to come off in a negative way towards anyone. I make sure that I admit to my flaws and what I could have differently to help the situation.
The only thing I aim to accomplish is for them to feel how much I care about them.
What probably hurts the worst is when I get ignored. It’s like not one word was worth a few seconds of their time. It never really gets easier. There are the moments when the gut-sinking feeling kicks in, and I don’t even expect a response back. It leaves me feeling with thoughts left unsaid because it leaves me with an uncertain closer. Anyone who says they don’t need closure is lying. How do you fully let go of something if you don’t have personally what you need to close the chapter entirely. No one wants to left feeling like all you did was put a bookmark there only to go back to it again one day.
In a lot of situations the closure to say goodbye or move on is owed just out of respect for what you had with that person.
The end of whatever it may be should always honor the love and respect between each. Trust me I’m not saying ALL situations should honor that only certain ones.
It’s a hard accepting what is like a routine now of people, always the ones who are so dear to me, leaving me. It starts to take a toll on me at times because I can’t seem to fix whatever and end this cycle. I understand people will leave, but to never quite comprehend why adds on to the pain of them already leaving.
I know for me the hardest part about trying to perfect without questioning, “Am I okay with these possibly being the last words with each other?” Sometimes you don’t get a second chance to say you’re sorry, how much you care about that person, or mending an issue.
Even if I can’t always seem to reach the people closest to me I at least know I tried my hardest, and given it all I’ve got, I have yet to question myself regrettably with anything I’ve said. No matter how negative the feedback, or lack of, I can say with my head held high that I’m proud of myself. I wouldn’t take back a single word I’ve said to anyone. I can’t let the afflictive emotions take away something I love to do with my whole heart. I wouldn’t be me if I held back on everything I wanted to say, and I’d probably explode from trying to keep it in.
If I can reach just one person in the world with something I’ve written down then finally my biggest dream in life will come true. I want to make an impact on this world in a positive way. I feel it through my entire body that writing is my way of doing it. I’m just here to share my passions of life with whoever will take the time to stop and read it. Not only is that person showing interest what I’m writing, but they are giving up their personal time, and that is a huge reward in itself.
I appreciate anyone who will take the time to read what I say. You are the people who help keep my dream alive. I have no desire to be recognized for fame or popularity, but because my thoughts and words meant something. It’s truly a magical journey I’m on, and I can’t wait to see where this journey takes me.
One day when I leave this earth I want to leave my mark by doing something that means something. It’s all about sending positive vibes to the universe, and helping someone, doesn’t matter if I’ve met them or not, with words of encouragement that things can get better.
If writing is my true passion then why not just go for it and try to make an impact on the world? I refuse to give up on my biggest dream.
“The most important things are the hardest to say. They are the things you get ashamed of, because words diminish them — words shrink things that seemed limitless when they were in your head to no more than living size when they’re brought out. But it’s more than that, isn’t it? The most important things lie too close to wherever your secret heart is buried, like landmarks to a treasure your enemies would love to steal away. And you may make revelations that cost you dearly only to have people look at you in a funny way, not understanding what you’ve said at all, or why you thought it was so important that you almost cried while you were saying it. That’s the worst, I think. When the secret stays locked within not for want of a teller but for want of an understanding ear.”