“I’m not in search of sanctity, sacredness, purity; these things are found after this life, not in this life; but in this life I search to be completely human: to feel, to give, to take, to laugh, to get lost, to be found, to dance, to love and to lust, to be so human.”
― C. JoyBell C.
This past week has been one hell of a very trying one, where each day I end feeling so defeated in all aspects. I have literally passed through each day wallowing in my sorrow because it’s like trying to find Waldo and Carmen San Diego, and they’re not fucking there!
Trust me I’m a real believer in that everyone needs to go through different situations and circumstances to experience different emotions. When you’re not feeling some emotion to the fullest effect you’re not actually living.
Yes, there’s some things that particular people have to go through things that just seem unimaginable to make it through, but they do. The respect I have for each one of those individuals I can’t even put into words. The will to make it through and keep going through it and after is the truest act of pure inner strength. It’s the biggest blessing any person could ever experience because it touches a place in your soul that gives you hope and strength. I might have never met you, or someone shared your story, or I read it somewhere, I just want to thank you for sharing your story.
Luckily, I always see the hope in getting through something life hands my way even if it feels like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders. It saves me before I’m sinking into the deep sea of negativity.
Every day this week even when I’ve spent the whole day in a daze where I can only see what’s wrong, and not stopping to see what is right. I make sure I do push myself to think of something weird and random, or a stupid little joke, or anything that I can make me laugh to myself because I refuse to waste a whole day of my life that I will never get back just consumed in complete negativity. I have to find the light on a dark day. It takes patience, but your spirit is growing while healing at the same time.
I tried to slow down rather than try to on everything at once. When music was playing, I made sure I was listening and singing with every ounce of emotion in my body. Like whatever song I was jamming to was my own. It helps me focus on relaxing my body and mind and solely listening with my soul. It felt so nice to just to surrender myself and move with the music and stopped being so damn tense and uptight. It’s pretty awe-inspiring to think about your soul dancing with the universe.
I made sure to find my perfect leaves when I would go outside at work, and to my favor I was able to venture more out and around the building. It helped me keep my mind more on my surroundings and take off the blinders. The past few weeks my leaf findings were limited. It was important to me that I feel that joy of spotting a leaf in a pile of them or running through the ones smoking a cigarette because I’m picking up a trail of one lucky leaf after another. It’s kind of joke at work about how much I love my leaves.
One day I was outside by myself smoking and phoneless, which was unusual especially when I know I’ll be smoking alone. With my ADD self, but really, I spent my time covering the “smoking section” area to make sure I covered all grounds looking for my leaves. It didn’t phase me that the workers who are remodeling the building were walking in and out. I probably seemed like an absolute weirdo walking from here from there picking up leaves while talking and laughing to myself. I always try to make up jokes at work about anything. This little time was the perfect opportunity to say out loud some of the jokes I had previously made up. When I start to feel my funny bone being tickled, it sparks my creative humor just have to run with it.
I always say the best way to see how funny you are is purely based on how much you make yourself laugh. Let’s just say I’m pretty freaking hilarious regardless of what others might say. Haha!
I made sure always to have at least one of my candles lit in every room that I was going to be in. Candles, specifically with fall scents, bring pure bliss. How can you not smell anything that resembles Fall and not drift into the best seasonal pleasure?
I believe it’s impossible because it is freaking fall scented candles. C’mon. Fall is the best season of the year hands down.
In the morning before the sun comes up a run to crank my car to warm it up since it’s starting to get a wee bit chilly outside. I have every single moon, star guide, space, and events in space-related app open and ready to go because I’m curiously anxious, in the best possible way, to see what the sky is offering in the last hour before the sun comes up. I look up right when I step through my front door to see the moon shining bright or hiding behind trees or clouds when it’s in a visible phase and area. It’s an even better morning when I can see Vega, or Venus, Jupiter, and Mars clustered together, or instantly spotting a constellation I recognize, or just the way the colors appear on the horizon. You have to appreciate the beauty the always surrounds us. Let’s be honest no one actually shows up to work talking about what they saw in the early morning sky and express the beauty and appreciation behind it. Nope, is pretty much the same daily routine doing what’s expected then bitching about it rocking a smile.
People tend to be happier after they’ve had their coffee, or at least that is what I’ve observed.
During the day, on my lunch break, whether it be I’m just driving my typical regular route I’ve customized or being at the park. I like to slow the “go, go, go” mentality down a few notches to observe the weather. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to see that it’s going to be brighter out when the sun if in full effect. On rainy days, I can see the different spectrum of grays representing nature’s emotion. Day to day I take in whatever the weather is vibrating out, and that can set a particular mood that we base on certain types of temperatures and weather conditions.
“And so we are all connected in the great Circle of Life.” – Mufasa, The Lion King
Then when I’m leaving work around 5:00 I will put on my “Relax and Jam” playlist and gaze at the clouds floating through the sky while I sit in traffic. Face it everyone bitches about having to sit in traffic after a long day of work, but I use that time to unwind, and clock out of work mode put those worries aside until the next day. On the longer days endlessly stuck sitting in traffic, I test myself how the different shapes I see in the clouds. It helps me keep from getting all pissy and cussing that every other driver are dumbasses. I’ll pick my other option of making cloud shapes.
The beauty of the night sky.
I think that is should be pretty obvious by now what my favorite part of the day is. Just give me a clear night sky filled with stars, spotting a planet while it shines among all of the stars, exploring the constellations, a star that catches my attention and learning its name and any info that you can Google, and my personal favorite, watching a meteor shower.
Then there’s one object in the sky that remains perfect and true through all its phases. The Moon.
Most nights I will take at least one picture of the moon to keep for myself, so I can look back and remember the way I felt that night. To me, the moon is always right there constantly changing through each emotion, situation, and circumstance helping you grow to be your real self and teaching a new lesson about life. When I look up, I always know the moon is there even when I can’t see it. I will never have to be scared to lose my trusty companion. When the sun goes down, and the sky gets darker, it feels as if a calmness rises with the nighttime. They are the moments I will look back and treasure them fifty to hundred years from now.
I don’t want to walk through life missing out on any of the beauty that’s right before my eyes every single day.
In the zone just driving around tonight, it brought me a new mindset and energy that was soul-consuming. It helped me feel an intense willingness to experience each turn, crack, smooth and bumpy road entirely is laid out before us. As I was brainstorming new goals and ideas that kept popping into my head. I just feel sufficiently motivated to make the dreams I have for myself, the adventures I want to experience, and live the life meant for me.
It’s come to mind that when I focus on the five senses of sight, hearing, smell, taste, and touch I’m more aware and can feel everything the moment is presenting. You would never really go to deep into thinking like that, but in every moment of life the universe is offering beauty that’s being missed to satisfy and stimulate your human senses.
When those five senses start to feel fulfilled it opens up a wide variety of other areas you want to feel just as satisfied with your life and inside your soul.
Everyone has to start somewhere while they are on their life journey to genuinely start feeling alive. I’m just like the next person I’m put on this earth trying to explore and figure out a meaning for life. I want to use each opportunity to turn a bad situation into something meaningful.
I started my car just to take a short drive and smoke a cigarette feeling down, but the further I got down the road I just thought of one positive thing after another. Hell, I even tried to dig deeper in each thought to see how positive I could make it. All I could do was laugh at myself because sometimes I even question my sanity trying to figure it all out.
I felt a cloud of happiness that I’ve been craving just by doing something so simple. Those are the moments that matter. Even when the world seems it’s against me, or I’m feeling down, I can always find a resolution to deal, cope, or let go of whatever it is holding me back. If I can share that with myself, it will be easier to share with others. Yes, I believe you have to put yourself first, but when you let your inner light shine so bright, it’s contagious with each and every person you come into contact with.
It’s about making the world a happier place because we are only here to adventure for a short period. Make the most of the time you are because it’s a gift.
“It is so many years before one can believe enough in what one feels even to know what the feeling is”
― W.B. Yeats
If anyone needs some feel good music please just jam the fuck out to these few songs: (P.s. Bronze Radio Return is phenomenal live, and check out their new album “Light Me Up”)