Steve Rogers: You told me you thought I was meant for more than this. Did you mean that?
Peggy Carter: Every word.
Steve Rogers: Then you gotta let me go.
You might not be a firm believer in things happening for a reason, but through all this I am. You came into my life completely blind-sighted my whole world because you were nothing I expected you to be. You made me question everything, and I thank you for that more than anything.
You pushed through the walls that had been built my whole life that even my “closest” friends couldn’t even budge. I sure as hell never imagined anyone ever really accepting me 100% because I couldn’t accept myself, but you were the first one who did. The comfort I felt with you and knowing that no matter whatever weird or far-fetched idea or thought I had I didn’t fear to share it with you.
Thank you simply for your friendship and willingness to get to know me because it has helped push me to do things I never thought I could never even attempt, and become the person I never thought I could be. You helped me see the world in all shades of color rather than black and white because of the influences on me by my family and so called friends. I’ve always felt like I’m a little on the strange side and hoped it was because I’m an alien from another planet (how awesome, right? haha), but I wanted to be like the cool kids and chose to live on Earth. I just wanted to fit in with everyone else. I felt like that was expected of me whether in any situation.
You were the first person I ever shared my love and my madness behind my obsession of the moon. No we were never in a relationship, or technically dated, but I always remember having to drag the two boyfriends I had outside just to lay and look at the stars. I would shush them if they tried to talk. It was an entirely different experience with you. I knew you’d share in some of the same excitement or interest in anything I said or thought about the moon.
Every day for this entire year I would look up towards the moon and say, “I can still feel you there even if I can’t see you right now.” As if I was trying to send you some message from the moon. That’s why I relate you to the moon in a lot of ways. Always leaving me in awe by your energy, extremely curious, and always craving more.
In a way, you’re a little bit of the reason behind the crescent moon tattoo on my wrist. It was during when I first realized there was no chance of us trying anything more than friends, and maybe not even friends depending on the current situation possibly getting back together with your ex. For some reason when you’re distant in some way or another it pushes something in me to use it in a way to grow from it. It pushed something in me to want to push me to want to be better for myself.
Trying to attempt to explain our friendship from my perspective is so challenging because it’s one of those things that’s so incredible it’s impossible to put into words because no one else experiences that rare, once in a lifetime kind of friendship. I did, though.
In the midst of me sharing all the things a person should never share on a first date, you shared the fact you were an atheist. I guess you could kind of tell I was a little shocked by that just because that was the complete opposite of the way I had always been brought up to believe. Even after we left Front Page, after our first kiss (oo la la) in your truck, you headed back your apartment, and I turned down the music to ask why you were an atheist.
Standing outside smoking a cig one night, and I joked about how Court said that I was broken trying to make light of whatever story I was telling.
You flat out looked at me and said, “you might be a little broken.” In a way, I looked at at being broken meant you just can’t be fixed, but you said a little which helped me feel damaged on the inside. That I didn’t just have to put an emotional blanket over the emotions causing the brokenness, and ignoring it for as long as I could. There was always a solution to help heal and fix that brokenness.
In high school, I would feel so depressed with life, and who I was I just became numb to feeling anything at all. Now looking back I know the only thing that saved me was music because a single song would express everything I had to keep inside from everyone else. There was no explaining or trying to tell anyone how I deeply I felt about things whether it was good or bad. I had my music though to help me relish in the things I felt. I didn’t know it then, but it was fueling the passion in me to appreciate and feel the honest, real beauty behind words.
As lost and confused as I was then it only continued to grow as I was trying to be who everyone else wanted me to be. I became disconnected from the sole purpose behind why I loved music so much. Sure, I still knew how to rock out, but I didn’t get that feeling where a song just takes over your soul. I lost the ability to experience the emotion of the song. That was until you magically popped into my life. You helped me hear the meaning behind what makes music so engaging.
I’ve gained more than I could have ever bargained for from Saturday, March 15, 2014, till now. I never believed I could ever become the person I am now, a person I’m proud of, and if by you coming into my life was solely for that reason then I’m more than appreciative for even the hardest days I didn’t think would end.
If there is one single thing I can only hope for in all this is that I didn’t fail you last summer when you needed me. I wholeheartedly wanted to be there with you because I wanted to help distract and ease how hurt you were by your ex. Thank you for asking for me to come over that day. I’d never regret it.
In traffic on the way home from work yesterday is when I started writing this in my Notes app. Right when I turned on the TV when I got home Boyhood was on, and I couldn’t have felt more inspired while writing this. As I start to wrap this up the one and only, Captain America, is on TV.
When you texted me after the Claims Conference about going to see a drive-in movie instantly made it the best movie date and it hadn’t even happened yet. Getting to experiencemy first drive-in movie with you while chowing down on those yummy chicken hotdogs, and being able to experience watching my favorite superhero, Captain America, on the big screen literally makes for the most perfect night. It was just one of the items you helped mark off my bucket list.
I’m so freaking glad you read the reviews for ‘Let’s Be Cops’ so we knew not to waste our time with that movie. During one of smoke break I remember sitting in your comfy blue chair you always left out on the porch for me when you handed me your phone to watch the trailer for ‘Boyhood’. After watching it I knew we had to go see it.
During the movie I glanced over at you to see you leaned forward with you resting your chin on your hands I could how you were completely captured through every second of the movie. I was excited for you to get to go back to your days in Texas, and all the different stories and places you told me about from how much you loved that movie. Back at your apartment hearing you start to play Hero by Family of the Year from the inside while I’m on the porch smoking a cig was one of the coolest feelings hearing you turn on the exact song from the movie that I instantly fell inlove with, and I’m in my own world staring at my phone trying to search what the name of that song was.
Those two movies “dates” will always be at the top of my list for my top favorite movie experiences. Add in Guardians of the Galaxy, and there, you’ve got the top three on the list.
To me, this is the best I can give you. You might be one of the most meaningful things I will ever let go of, and probably always will be.
Please listen to:
- Overjoyed – Bastille
- Oblivion – Bastille
- Laughter Lines – Bastille