A LITTLE HEADS UP:
THERE WILL BE A LOT OF RAMBLING THAT PROBABLY WON’T MAKE ANY SENSE IN MY NEXT FEW POSTS. MY MIND IS GOING ON A VERY SCATTERED THINKING OVERLOAD. I CAN’T KEEP UP. I HAVE, WELL MAYBE NEED, TO DOCUMENT ALL OF IT.
It’s now 9:57 P.M. on Tuesday, December 1, 2015, and I don’t care how long it takes for me to write every ounce of emotions I’m experiencing out and feel completely satisfied that I have gotten everything I need and want to say written down.
Well, finally after sitting the same spot in my bed every single night since late last Monday evening I’m getting somewhere. I stare at my computer screen and the screen on my phone just looking at it with my WordPress app pulled up in front of me. I have tried to find any words at all to attempt to recover from the words I kept replaying in my head. It took an answer such as this one to set me to be speechless. A response to me was putting forth another failed attempt to make a little peace with the person I have so often shared this unique and life-changing friendship with this person who I described him as if he were the eighth wonder of the world. I strived while writing about him that it only could compare to how special and quite unique it felt living it.
The second I read this particular email, which pretty much compared me to being this evil monster who would physically hurt someone, it felt as if reached straight into the inner core of the passion that gives me something to live for and quickly struck a knife through the heart of it. Looking at my computer screen reading the most hurtful words ever said to me in my 25 years of being on this earth.
I can’t compare it to rubbing salt into an open wound, or “kicking a girl while she’s down” scenario. Apparently for days it’s left me with no words to begin to describe it. I could have handled any comparison or thing said to me where I felt like he had pulled the rug from underneath or dropping a house on me. I could have handled that, but feeling like my existence would bring pain to any person, animal, plant, or object that is here on this earth with my heart consumed by that type of hate is just unfathomable to me.
In my perfect, dream world the word and words related to pain, sadness, or negative would not even exist. There is nothing I want to do more than help turn someone’s day around when they’re down.
I want to change the world and help try to make it a place where more people are happy and kind to one another. My heart breaks every day from the hate that I know is out there all over the world, and with each sentence in that email I’ve never felt more sick seeing someone I cared about to the magnitude that I did group me with what I want to save the world’s destruction.
It’s 11:24 P.M. now, and I did not sleep one-second last night, and I know it’s time my mind needs to shut up and rest. There’s still plenty more for me to write for me to heal.