You Have Believe In Magic To Find It

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I’m the type of person when I’m in the fun, or my mind is in a negative place, I have to do something big or out of my element to see the bigger picture in life. Since the invidious comparison from the person I cared so dearly about and the friendship I cherished that meant more to me than the moon and the stars, I haven’t been the same person. I lost myself and the person I was working and had worked so hard to be. I felt the lowest of lows. Just with one email, I felt like I was this evil monster that no one had ever pointed out before.

I’ve never had much luck on pulling off some great New Years Eve festivities. Somehow throughout the night drama or some other bullshit took the spotlight on the whole evening. I refused in my heart of hearts that this past New Year’s Eve would be the same.

I don’t think I can put into words what this par year has done for me or put me through. I tried to lie hell to accomplish getting over obstacle thrown in my way, but if you’ve felt anything close to what I did for a person then surely you know that’s a lot easier said than done.

In my past when I’d pretty much just give up on everything. I would quit going to school or whatever bullshit job I was working at the time, and I’d stay up all night, alone, and sleep late into the afternoon. Whether it was because of the deep rooted issues with my family or my self-esteem at its lowest, I never made myself work through it to come out stronger in the end. There were plenty of days where because I was so sick of having to wake up and go to work another day to see this person who left me like it was nothing along with the other friendships that seemed to have suddenly ended in my life.

I believe everyone experiences those days where it’s all too much. Until it caught up with me at work calling on most Monday’s, or calling out days at a time. Physically it eww taking a toll on my body from the stress and negativity I was carrying around. I didn’t see a morning when I would wake up, and body just wouldn’t ache all over. I knew my body hadn’t been familiar with pushing it to that level of not shutting down like I normally would. I already have a horrible habit grinding my teeth, but I was constantly walking around clenching my teeth and body so tense it felt like a brick house trying to hide the real emotions I was feeling inside.

No matter how shitty or sad and hurt I felt day to day I refused to let it show. At work, I’m instantly the first person you see when you walk through our automatic doors, and I didn’t care who that person was walking in I always flashed my biggest, most genuine, smile at them. My thought process is I have no earthly idea what each person is going through, but I know smiles are contagious. If that’s all I can offer someone who is having a bad day, then I will go out of my way to hopefully brighten their day even for that short encounter.

No matter what circumstance that is going on in my life I will always put forth the effort to be over the top caring and mindful of another person. Kindness is rare these days, but I whole heartedly wish that it’s kindness that wins over all of the hateful and selfishness in this world.
That’s what gets me through each day is my goal at trying to achieve what seems to be the impossible mission of making the world promising place. I know without any doubt in my heart and mind that is purely my biggest reason for fighting with every last piece of myself to make things the slightest bit better with that one person. Surrendering to the feeling of losing hope seemed like the ultimate failure in the end. If there were nothing humanly possible that, I could do to achieve that goal with something so meaningful as it was then how could I go further with my aspiration of making a difference in the world?

Hope was all I had on my side.

The past year I dedicated it to be “my year of concerts”, and looking back I think I can say that I succeeded in my goal. When I bought my tickets for Sweetwater 420 Festival and Shaky Knees music festival, I knew there was a significant chance I’d go alone because I didn’t know or have anyone that was available to venture with me. Well, I ended up going to both alone just to see some live music. Let me just say that every second of both weekends was purely worth every penny I spent. I didn’t care if I was walking around alone or not. I was in my element with others who love and appreciate music and live performances just as much as I do. There were a few more concerts that I ended up attending alone, but I did luck out on experiencing some fantastic live shows with some incredible people next to me.

My Concert List Of 2015: 

-Family Of The Year

-Lord Huron

-Moon Taxi

-Bronze Radio Return

-Drake

-Elton John

-Catfish and the Bottlemen

-Vance Joy

-Van Halen

-Billy Idol

-Hozier

-Kings Of Leon

-Amos Lee

-David Gray

-Ryan Adams

-The Strokes

-Best Coast

-Dr. Dog

-TV On The Radio

-The Avett Brothers

-Cage The Elephant

-Snoop Dogg

-Tame Impala

-Frank Turner and The Sleeping Souls

-Manchester Orchestra

-Wilco

-Interpol

-Kaiser Chiefs

-The Kooks

-Taking Back Sunday

-Cold War Kids

-Big Data

-Gov’t Mule

I think that covers all of them, but if not every single performance was incredible. If it had not been for music this past year, I don’t know how well I would have got through all of my internal emotion struggles. It helped give me the words to the voice rambling in my head, and the sound to help me dance through the hurt and sadness. Not only was music there to help me through the difficult times, but it helped accelerate the great ones. In general, music just makes life a much more beautiful place.

Another unusual experience of last year was going skydiving. When I say, it is the most surreal moment jumping out of a plan I kid you not. There is nothing more freeing than looking down at the ground below as you fall from the sky. Feeling free as a bird as the phrase goes. In a way with the jump, I felt like I was freeing myself from the world and the feelings I felt towards it. The sense of the air rush by me falling from the sky there was nothing but the biggest smile plastered on my face. An experience such as jumping out of a plane already seems extreme, but what made it extra special was the fact one of my biggest heroes, my grandpa, went with me to jump out of a plane. I couldn’t have chosen a better person to have next to me as we flew up 10,000 to go skydiving.

Taking a look back on the past year and seeing both the good and the bad has helped me put things in my life into perspective.

Driving to Nashville and after driving around in through the hecticness that surrounded where everyone was heading to see Chris Stapleton and Kings Of Leon. After finally parking and walking through the freezing weather to get to the concert I felt like every second of the trip was worth it. The overwhelming feeling of pure happiness spread through my body as I looked around taking in the environment and energy from everyone around me. To say it was absolutely insane is the biggest understatement of all. People were pushing each other to get through the crowd, and when I realized I was getting closer to the middle and how aggresive some people were towards others I knew I needed to inch my way to a safer zone before I was trampled to death.

I ended up right in front of Rock Bottom next to the nicest couple from Virginia and a sweet lady from Cumming, GA. Who would have thought I would end up bringing in the new year alone in Nashville finally seeing one of my favorite bands with three complete strangers who were nice enough to let me join in our their evening. I can honestly say it was the best night of my whole life. The experience alone was so empowering and monumental for me in so many ways that all I could be was overwhelmingly thankful for the opportunity.

Driving back to one of my dearest friends house who lives in Cleveland was a little bit of a struggle seeing how it was almost 5:00 A.M. until I finally got back to his house. The whole way back I used the time to think on what I could do to make 2016 reflect how amazing the night I had just experienced was. I wanted to make new goals for myself like I had with making 2015 “my year of concerts”. So this year my biggest goal is to write my favorite artists or howevers music is speaking to me with a special connection of something going on or that has happened in my life. Their music is part of this life journey I’m as f hiring through, and I want to write all about it. My goal or major accomplishment is to see them live and hear the songs I have this unspoken connection with live. With as much as music has helped me I believe I owe it to the remarkable artists to know how appreciated they are, and the power their talent has to help change people’s lives.

So far this year has felt light years different from last, and I continue to keep building on to the positivity it’s brought so far. I’m excited again and that alone means more than anything. I’m striving to make this year the best and most successful one yet. I don’t plan to give up on my dreams, but to only fulfill them and make them bigger than expected. The best part about this year is the unexpected adventures that may be in the future.

I have my inspiration and hope back in a whole new way with looking at life. It may be because of the fact that the first New Moon of 2016 is tonight, and to me it represents new positive energies. The energies involved can bring transformation and respresents creating new beginnings. If I ever feel lost I know the moon is always there to help guide me back on my path.

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3 Comments

  1. keep on keeping on. i always try to spread cheer too, regardless of my own situation. i seriously believe we can improve the world as a whole by improving the worlds of the people we come into contact with.

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