“We are afraid to care too much, for fear that the other person does not care at all.” – Eleanor Roosevelt
Letting someone go is never an easy thing to do, but when you know that the person would be happier, it brings a certain inner peace about going about it.
Most of my entries have been about a person from my past that has had a significant impact on my life. I swore to myself on New Years that there was no more looking back at the past, but rather looking forward to the many great wonders that are waiting in the future. I had fought so hard with every ounce of my being to fix the terms that things were left on with my particular friend, but with as much time that had passed, it seemed hopeless of that ever happening.
With the heartbreaking conversation we had through some emails, I knew that hate would be the only word he would probably use himself to describe the way he felt for me. It was every memory, laugh, adventure, conversation, and the time spent together that kept me wishing that a breakthrough with the friendship would happen. Finally, after our last conversation, I knew that there was no hope for any friendliness between him.
I celebrated New Year’s feeling this incredible energy that the whole night had brought to me. I felt like after all, this time, I was starting to feel full again because the ending of one chapter and knowing it was all worth even though the outcome wasn’t what I was searching for at the time. I had finally turned the page to start this new chapter and journey of my life.
Those moments are the ones I cherish the most because I finally realize everything up to that point has led me to exactly where I’m meant to be. It’s like finishing a 500 tiny piece puzzle, and no matter how long it took to put it together, you can finally stand tall looking at it feeling this satisfaction with putting it all together.
Even being in this “new year” high I had to keep in mind that just because I felt this year being my year, that didn’t mean it was going to be smooth sailing.
At first, it all started that way with me accomplishing things I had told myself for over a year to do and focusing on becoming more independent. Then for about a two week period, BAM, life through hundred curve balls at me at once from all directions. To say I was on the verge of a breakdown from it feeling like a heavy weight had dropped on me seems like an understatement.
I had just come to terms with feeling like this horrible person by someone I cared so much about, but it reminded of that feeling of anyone close to me it felt like. The effects of everything left me feeling so little about myself on top of a continuing war inside my family I’ve dealt with for my whole life felt like my whole world was crashing around me all at once with no end of it slowing down.
Especially when I’m dealing with my family, my biggest insecurity kicks in leaving me only to think if I turn to someone for help they will just leave me. That probably takes me to a whole other level of feeling lonely. The only option I feel I have is to shut down because I don’t want my problems to be another reason someone else walks out of my life.
Finally, after what seemed like a never-ending battle things with those around me started to settle down, but I was still feeling the emotional exhaustion from everything happening all at once.
It was an ordinary Wednesday at work when I’m at my computer checking my Gmail when my whole world flips to the other side, but this time in such an overwhelmingly positive way. There in my list of unread emails I saw his name. It felt like such a reward sent from the sky after every emotion and the hate I felt from everyone else, like seeing a rainbow after a tornado hit.
Reading his email, and then actually emailing with him later that evening I could sense the kindness through every word. None of it seemed real because if I had convinced by one thing in life, it was that I would never get to experience that from him again. It was more than I ever thought would happen between each other again.
If there’s ever a conversation I’ll save forever, it will be these emails. I got to see this person as I once did every day. That was the moment I had been fighting for over a year to experience just one more time if possible. The comfort in that whole conversation was something I hadn’t felt since my last night with him. For the first time since November 23rd, I didn’t feel any of the negative emotions with our last conversation.
It truly was one of those extraordinary moments that you don’t even dream about because they seem so impossible.
Since the email was about us having to work together in case of a “dangerous” or “suspicious” situation were to happen at work hearing that we’d still save each other first was worlds away from thoughts planted in my mind for months. To me, the best part of the conversation was when we got nerdy with it and went so in depth about which superhero we would be in different supergroups. One of the best things about him had always been his acceptance of my weirdness and appreciation of superhero next to mine. I had always considered him my version of a superhero in my mind, so it made it that much better.
You know when things seem too good to be true that it seems even more impossible for things to get better?
Upon my surprise within this conversation, I receive a text message seeing that 512 Texas area code on my screen still far from believing this is all truly happening. The conversation leads to an incredibly thrilling, sexual conversation, which I will say that I don’t think two other people can sext like we do, that I stayed on the verge of cumming with the level of intenseness was unimaginable.
The overdue sexual chemistry between us had been put away on a hidden shelf for far too long.
If there is one person who drives out my sex drive absolutely, fucking wild, it’s this guy right here. Trust me since losing my virginity at 13 to when he first fucked me at 24 it was no secret that I very much enjoyed sex, but there hadn’t been a single time or person that turned me on in the way I did or make me cum just by touching me.
The sexual chemistry we had was so powerful that the second we were in the same room together, it felt so magnetic that I felt others could see the sexual tensions. From the first night physically I couldn’t have felt more comfortable with the things we would say, or try seemed so natural to each other’s bodies. No one had ever been so sexy to me in all ways.
I tried not to get distracted by questioning myself attempting to take this sudden, impossible, and drastic change was actually occurring.
From sexting to randomly saying I’m staying the whole weekend with him, AND finally, actually having sex at all since the last time with him. Talk about going cold turkey on a high sex drive in general. All of his was a double whammy for me!
I couldn’t wait to spend a whole weekend, especially my birthday weekend, obsessing all over his body.
I’m not too big on birthdays because I’m usually stuck inside because of an ice or snow storm, or they come overly stressful in some way. I’ve had some great birthdays, but I’m the type of person who is sorta out there but doesn’t like the spotlight on myself drawing attention.
This birthday was one I could be excited for, and all other plans were out the door. With as excited as I was, my anxiety kicked in instantly trying to let myself be excited and preparing for if the plans don’t happen. That’s when all of the thinking kicked in at once with every thought or scenario running through my mind.
To sum it up we didn’t spend the weekend together, but only due to a work related situation. I can’t be selfish because it’s important to him, and for me I’ve always put that first. He was very gracious in not wanting to let me down with a sincere apology and trying to cheer me up saying things he knew would make me smile.
From the start when my feelings for him began to grow stronger there’s always been an internal conflict in trying to hold on too tight or let myself let go. The feelings and emotions that go along with knowing someone isn’t destined to be in your future in the way imagined, but not pushing them away to the point of losing any of the time you can spend with them. Once the anxiety kicks in panic usually sets in which in return most likely causes this person to leave a lot faster than normal.
I just only wanted to know that he felt some of the things I did, but that didn’t mean we had to be together. Maybe that’s where my struggle first started knowing the odds of him being in my life for the future in one way or another as a significant person in my life and trying to force myself to accept what was meant to be.
There was always this feeling that lingered that made things more confusing when I would start thinking that just maybe there had to be something more to meeting him. I wish I knew why the thought of him not being in my life hits harder than anyone else. In my mind it all makes sense. Then the reality sets in reminding me that he chose to leave. But even though there’s a sad ending to this story doesn’t mean that it wasn’t a great story.
This time, I can let him go not having to question if he hates me or not. I know if I think too far into the meaning of letting him go I’ll still feel a small twinge inside at losing my friend.
There just comes a time when you get to a point that you know it’s time to let go entirely.
First things first on this new journey in ready to take in life don’t only involve letting my dearest friend go. I’m willing to take a giant, yet terrifying, step in a new direction career-wise. It would be different if my job and the company I work for didn’t hold such a dear spot in my heart, but a person knows when it’s the right time to move forward career-wise. With taking the leap forward, I know with changing jobs it will help me earn the money to move into my own place and be independently stable.
In my heart, I know I’m at a place to start this new chapter of my life, and it’s time to make some big changes to see even more significant results.
In my two years at my job I’ve learned much more than I expected, and met the most wonderful people that have had such an impact on my life. I will carry the kindness and up most respect from everyone I’ve blessed to welcome each morning and said goodbye to at the end of each day. There’re no words to express my appreciation for each person that I’ve had the honor of working amongst every day.
Whether it be a Butterfinger next to the bed after two long days without much sleep, or taking me to do news things that I’ve never done before, or just being the person that he was towards me I can look back knowing it was all worth it. He was worth it, and will always hold a spot in my life and heart that no one else will come close to in my life. One of the most overwhelming facts I have to come to realize is knowing that our paths might not ever cross ever again when I walk out of the door on my last day of work.
The future holds endless possibilities, but the only thing I know for sure is that I have to treasure and live each day to the fullest as if it were my last. Fear of what might or might not happen can’t be what holds me back from what new experiences that might seem terrifying because these are the moments that life hands you to grow into a better version of yourself.
“I hope someday you’ll find an old picture of me
and you’ll wonder if I still love strawberry milkshakes more than life itself
or if I still request a pinky promise upon agreement
and maybe you’ll even wonder if I wonder about you”