“We must strive to be like the moon.’ An old man in Kabati repeated this sentence often… the adage served to remind people to always be on their best behavior and to be good to others. [S]he said that people complain when there is too much sun and it gets unbearably hot, and also when it rains too much or when it is cold. But, no one grumbles when the moon shines. Everyone becomes happy and appreciates the moon in their own special way. Children watch their shadows and play in its light, people gather at the square to tell stories and dance through the night. A lot of happy things happen when the moon shines. These are some of the reasons why we should want to be like the moon.”
― Ishmael Beah
I’ve been a little M.I.A with my writing on here, and even to myself. It’s amazing how in a year I’m in a completely new spot with no trace of familiarity or common cause in any aspect.
The biggest change that’s occurred is I’ve been gifted by the universe to find an infrequent, different love with my best friend. Like a great love stories, we have an interesting story, and looking back it amazes me how things worked out to bring us together.
If you’ve read my recent posts over the last year it’s clear my mind was entirely focused on another person, but once I completely let myself open up to experiencing other companionship I knew I had finished going through the cycle of letting go. It might have taken some time to move past that chapter, but I can say with absolute guarantee it was totally worth it!
Once I left my previous job and the group of people I adored working with I struggled with the uncertainty of what was going to come next for myself. Luckily, that’s when I found someone who treats me better than I could have ever dreamed.
My best friend.
That’s when reality hit when I received an incredible job offer that I would have never thought I would’ve seen an opportunity to, but that’s when my toughest struggle in 26 years began. My life had become consumed with, work, work, and more work. Through the days and night into the weekends my stress levels escalated as I put all my effort into turning my life into nothing but work. The more wrapped up in that mindset the thought of myself and who I am and what I enjoy drifted further away. I lost any inspiration to write, do the little things for myself I enjoy such as meditation baths, my relationship with the person I love and adore the most, and one of the most significant relationships, the Moon, seemed like a lifetime away.
Just some insight into what exactly I’m speaking about I started, what seemed like then the perfect job, starting off at great pay and the opportunity to travel. I’ve always consumed the travel bug so of course I felt this new adventure was perfect for me. After two weeks of in-house training and traveling to South Alabama for a week and North Alabama the next week I started to feel the strain being away put on my new relationship.
Don’t get me wrong I loved the traveling aspect during my training, but I committed to being on the time and schedule of the person who was helping me train. I knew from the first few days of training that I had dedicated myself to a time demanding job, but only seeing the perks of new salary and hearing the word “travel” in my job description made me oblivious to the bigger picture of exactly how demanding the job would end up being.
For the first few days on my own in my territory I felt like I made the right decision for myself taking this position, but now looking back I can firmly say to myself there wasn’t a single day that I woke up excited or thrilled for my day. After feeling the love I felt for my job earlier this year to the new one I searched and searched every single day to gain the same feeling for this new career chapter for myself.
By each week and each trip I took out-of-town I was miserable and my anxiety I felt I had concurred months before reared its ugly head at me full force. The nights I spent in a different city and hotel hopping left me crying myself to sleep and feeling more alone than I’ve ever felt before in my entire life. The darkness spread within me with no shimmer of light to even spark the slightest bit of hope within myself. Those nights left me with nothing positive to look towards things even getting easier, and as my anxiety and depression exploded inside me the rage and anger on the one person who tried to motivate me through each day.
The worst the feelings grew in my mind I felt the physical pain ignited throughout my body that had me terrified that there was something else wrong in me. I hid the fear from Michael as long as I could because actually saying the words out loud made them real. Those feelings were just a bad picture I painted in my mind it was my reality. What scared me the most was thinking if I went to a doctor about the problem I would hear my biggest fear come to life. I couldn’t handle hearing if there was possibly something more serious wrong with me.
After months of struggling one of the biggest blessings and reliefs happened where that job was no longer apart of who I was. In all the struggles and trials I’ve made it through this one by far has been the most difficult. I felt as if the two years I had dedicated in getting to know myself, what was important to me, and my passions were just gone. I hit my lowest point. The biggest lesson I’ve gained from the entire experience is that no matter how much money you might make if you lose yourself there’s no possible way to feel complete or happy in life.
I’m in the rebuilding from the emotional damage that kind of mindset and time in my life did to me, but I know I’m even stronger than I could have ever imagined myself to be. My relationship has never been better, and that weight from both of our shoulders. Thinking if I wouldn’t have had someone so loving and dedicated to me through this being a new relationship is hard for me to even imagine because of the toll it took on the both of us even trying to fight through the fights.
During this time of self torment I was putting myself through I blinded the true meaning of the obstacles being thrown at to me by the Universe. I was so lost focusing on my initial goal of healing myself from the constant war and deeply rooted emotions I hadn’t exactly let go of. If I could fix me I knew I could stop my failed history with others from repeating itself. From the beginning of this new relationship I wanted to fix whatever it was inside of me to receive a different outcome with my new love.
I didn’t want him to leave me.
Instead of exploring I went directly to my cored of hidden and locked away pain. From my perspective and dreamlike state of mind, I thought this was going to be an easy way to cure all my problems and fears, but the more I searched deep within I began to let the love I had worked so hard for and gained from my self journey the last few years vanish into the background while I grew to hate myself making all existing fears intensify to the point I feared everything. I had let negativity from people and the past control me only to have one bad day after another.
The magical, and most difficult, the about all of this is now looking back at the obstacles I had to overcome personally and in my relationship, all the pain, and the knowledge I now know about myself feels like the last seven months has been a complete outter body experience. As if I was watching myself the entire time without the power to stop what felt like a never-ending downward spiral. I’m more appreciative for each as I continue to grow into the person I’m meant to be on this Earth.
My goal is to finish this post by the end of this year because since I’ve started writing this over a month ago, I’m now only left with five days until it’s officially 2017. Even since I first started writing this I was stuck in limbo while losing my direction sorting out and understanding all of the emotions I’m still feeling.
It seems to be something different each day, but my main goal is to stay positive.
As the year of 2016 winds down I’m still not sure where I’m going or what’s going on most of the time, but I won’t give up on finding the bigger meaning in this point of my life. The Universe is obviously sending me a message, and I know it’s to point me in the right direction of the bigger purpose I feel I have in this life.
Of course, mostly, I’m paying attention to what the Moon is telling me. That’s where my soul comes to life as the phases of the moon pass. I’ll be ready to feel what the New Moon has to tell me in only three more days.
“She is our moon. Our tidal pull. She is the rich deep beneath the sea, the buried treasure, the expression in the owl’s eye, the perfume in the wild rose. She is what the water says when it moves.”
― Patricia A. McKillip, Solstice Wood